The Interview - 11. Back in the apartment I am too agitated to sit

Chapter eleven: Back in the apartment I am too agitated to sit

Back in the apartment I am too agitated to sit, and so I pace from living room to kitchen and back again. Phone in hand, I stare at the number on screen, strangely apprehensive about making the call. The contact name says Mum & Dad but my thumb hesitates as it hovers over the call button. Not because I don't want to talk to them, but because it is a number I have dialled far too few times recently, and I feel ashamed. I am also going to ask them to let me come back home, but I don't want them to feel like that is the only reason I have called, because it isn't. I want to make things right with them, regardless of my housing needs.

            My instinct tells me not to make the call, to block it out of my mind and do something else. I fight it, drawing strength from how well my conversation with Mrs Linton went. Biting my lip, my insides tying themselves into pretzels, I hit the green call button on my phone. It rings three times before someone picks up at the other end.

            'Hello, Jan speaking.'

            It is a landline, so she has not seen who it is that has made the call. I try to speak but my throat starts to choke up and my eyes start to water again. My stomach muscles clench and I feel like I am going to vomit. I make some unintelligible gargling noises in the phone.

            'Hello?' Mum asks on the other end of the line.

            I try to pull myself together to speak, but instead of words a sob comes out.

            'Dan? Dan is that you? Are you okay? Dan?' The speed and tone of her voice tells me she is worried for me, and that her concern is escalating quickly towards panic. It is enough to let me get some words out, though they arrive between sobs.

            'It's me Mum, I'm okay, but I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.'

            'Are you sure you're okay?' she asks again, her voice no longer at panic tempo, but only marginally below. 'Whatever you have done to be sorry for, it will be okay.'

            'I'm sorry for the way I've treated you. Avoiding calls, never coming round, acting as though talking to you is a chore. I've been such a dick and I'm sorry. You and Dad don't deserve that. I love you and want to come home, if you'll have me back.'

            I blubber the whole lot, tears streaming down my face, leaning against the wall for support. Now I can hear that Mum is crying on the other end as well.

            'I love you too and forgive you of course. You're my son, our son. There is always a place here for you. We'll come and get you now, if you want?'

            Her words fill me with warmth, though do nothing to stop the tears. Again, my eyes seem determined to shed as much moisture as possible in payback for years of holding them in. But the pain in my stomach and chest has eased and the guilt has lessened.

            'No, don't come yet,' I get out. 'I have something I need to do first. There is one more apology I need to make. I'll call you back in a couple of hours, I promise.'

            'Okay, but be safe. We love you and are here for you.'

            'I know, thanks. Love you too.'

            I hang up the phone and wipe my face of tears as they finally ease up. I am feeling simultaneously relieved and apprehensive, because there is one more person I have to see. I walk into my room and pull Mel's battered copy of Pride and Prejudice from the bedside table. This is not an apology I can make over the phone. I grab a jacket and keys and head out of the apartment again.

            It takes me close to an hour to get to Mel's place. There is a train ride and a walk involved, as I do not own a car. Mel was my transport, before I drove her away. It was another thing I used her for, took for granted. The trip is difficult, as every step I take, my nervousness grows. My stomach is tied in knots again by the time I reach her house, and the last half a kilometre walk takes longer than it should as I fight an internal battle to keep my feet moving in the right direction.

            The house is a nice one, a well-kept garden, picket fence and immaculately presented weather-board home. She moved back home with her dad when she left. I am particularly nervous that he will answer the door as I am sure he doesn't like me. I have not given him much reason to.

            I climb the stairs of the veranda and press the doorbell. A faint ding-dong can be heard behind the closed door and then I wait. Footsteps approach and the door is opened by Mel's dad, Greg. He is a handsome man, in his fifties but still fit and trim, a rarity among the majority of pregnant-belly men his age. He is clean shaven and well-dressed in jeans and a check-patterned collared shirt. He looks out expectantly, but the greeting on his lips dies when he sees me. His normally kind face hardens, brow furrowing and eyes steely.

            'What do you want, Dan?' he asks. 'Don't you think you've hurt Mel enough?'

            'Yes,' I agree, which takes him by surprise, I think. 'I'm here to apologize and to return this to her.'

            I reach into my backpack and pull out the copy of Pride and Prejudice.

            'That's my Amanda's copy!' Greg exclaims, before his expression turns angry, his tone accusatory. I notice his fists clenching and knuckles whitening. 'Is that why she's been so upset and unable to move on? You've been keeping this from her?'

            My initial thought is to get defensive in the face of his anger, to put my fists up and defend myself. But I remember why I am here and swallow down the sharp retort on the tip of my tongue. 'Yes, and I realise I have been wrong in doing so. Like I said, that's why I'm here.'

            He holds out his hand to take the book. 'Give it to me.' I pull it back out of reach and his look immediately turns hostile. His right fist raises slightly from his side, poised to strike and take it from me if needed.

            'I'd prefer to give it to Mel myself, if that's okay?' I explain. 'So I can apologize to her directly.'

            'You want a chance to try and get back with her, don't you? You think returning her book might give you a chance to woo her back to live with you again, so you can use her and hurt her all over again?'

            'No!' I exclaim a little too sharply and Greg's fist rises further. In his eyes I can see my response has validated his concern.

            'No, that's not it,' I say more softly. 'I have just handed in my notice at the apartment and I'm moving back home. I would like to be back with Mel, more than anything in the world, but I know I have burned that bridge. All I want to do is return the book and have an opportunity to apologize to her directly. I think she deserves that. Please.'

            I hold out the book for him to take, and don't pull away this time when he hesitantly relaxes his fist and reaches for it. Once it is in his hands the suspicion on his face eases, but he remains defensive. 'I am not sure Mel will want to see you. I'll...'

            'Dad, it's OK.'

            I hear Mel's voice and look past Greg to see her standing at the top of the stairs. I cannot help but smile at seeing her. She is like an angel walking serenely down the stairs towards us. Her long hair is tied back in a knot, her fringe parted and tucked behind her ears. She is dressed in casual clothes, pants and a t-shirt and has nothing on her feet. She is not wearing make-up, but to me she looks more beautiful than ever and the shame I feel at the way I have treated her deepens.

            Greg turns to face her. 'Are you sure, Mel?' he asks, with the same concern my mother had for me earlier on the phone. Mel nods and Greg hands her the copy of Pride & Prejudice and then retreats down the hall towards the kitchen and living room. Mel and I are left alone, only the open doorway between us.

            'Um, how much of that did you hear?' I ask.

            'Most of it,' she admits.

            I am tempted to move on, leave it at that, but I know that would be a cop-out, that I need to say it to her and her alone. She is having trouble meeting my eye and I don't want to part with her not even being able to look at me.

            'I'm sorry for the way I behaved Mel. I can see how much of a dick I've been, and I know I've hurt you and you don't deserve that. What's particularly stupid about it is that I've hurt myself more than anyone in losing you.'

            The words cause her to look at me directly and there is sadness in her eyes. 'Why did it take you so long to give back the book, Dan?'

            'Partly to get back at you for leaving, even though I now realise that I'm to blame for that. And partly because I felt that while I held onto it, you would not be gone from my life forever. It was selfish and I am sorry. Really.'

            She smiles slightly and nods, seeming to accept my apology. 'Did I hear you say you are moving back home?'

            'That's right. I've had a bit of a wakeup call and know I can't afford to stay at the apartment. Plus, I owe Mum and Dad an apology as well and intend to try and make some amends while I'm there. I'll find some work so I'm not a burden to anyone while I continue to try and get published.'

            'You sound like you are in a healthier place, and I'm happy for you Dan. Can I ask what prompted all this?'

            'Might be a story for another time. Maybe I'll write about it and send it over for you to read?'

            'I'll hold you to that,' she answered with the first proper smile since we started talking.

            'I'd better get going,' I say reluctantly. 'I promised I'd call Mum back and she'll worry if I don't get through to her soon.'

            Mel raised her eyebrow. 'Calling your Mum back? Wow, you have changed!'

            'And I intend to make it a permanent change,' I reply. 'It was nice to see you, Mel, really nice. I wish it was under different circumstances. Take care of yourself.'

            'Nice to see you too, Dan. And thank you for bringing back the book.'

            I nod and walk out of the gate and back onto the street, heading for the station. I close my eyes as I walk, feeling the cleansing warmth of the sun on my face.