From Super-Hero to Super-Villain; the Parenting Roller Coaster

I’ve been working my way through the Marvel Movies (see this blog post), watching with my eldest who is keen and thankfully hasn’t seen all of them. We are near the end of phase two; having just finished Avengers: Age of Ultron. Eleven down, fifteen billion-odd still to go! It feels a little like a mountain hike where you labour to the top of a rise, only to find another five, larger rises ahead of you. Followed by another three in various stages of construction somewhere in the hazy distance.

It’s hard when parenting transitions from this… Photo by Anna Shvets

So I’ve had superheroes on the mind, and when Renae mentioned that her seven year-old had adorably called her the best superhero in the world, it took me back to those times as a parent where your (usually young) children see you that way. It’s one of the really amazing parts of parenting; having your kids, who you love unconditionally and would do anything to protect and nurture, looking up at you with admiration and adoration in their eyes that matches your own.

To them, I was superman during the spins, the twirls, the piggy-back rides, or when I threw them up and caught them to their squeals of delight. I was Ironman when I helped them build sky-scrapers from their Duplo blocks, constructed epic domino courses for them to flick down, or put together their latest bike before helping to teach them how to ride it at the local basketball courts. And I was Spiderman when I disappeared in hide and seek only to jump out of thin air (aka from behind the door which they had walked past three times but not thought to look behind), and catch them by surprise.

My youngest is about to turn seven, so he is still at an age where he still thinks pretty well of me, most of the time. He is really good company; bright and chirpy and loves to chat, play and laugh. But at sixteen and thirteen, my elder two are firmly in their teens and the shine has well and truly gone off their view of me. For those of you who have (or have had) teens, you probably know what I mean! They still like to chat, play and laugh, but having their parent hanging around while doing so is generally seen as a mood kill! It can be challenging to tease a whole lot in the way of conversation out of them much of the time. And, of course, then there is the parenting, which they increasingly feel they don’t need and know better, but in reality still have a heap to learn about themselves, about empathy, about forming positive habits that will help them in life; about life in general.

…to something more like this! Photo by Kindel Media

For them, Superman, Ironman and Spiderman are no longer in mind when they see me. Suddenly I’m more like the Green Goblin, swooping past with evil intent (to coax them to do their chores). Or Ultron; out to destroy them (by placing some healthy boundaries on their social lives, screen time and bed-time). Or perhaps the Joker, constantly terrorizing them (by questioning some of their less constructive behaviours or choices).

No more Superhero Dad; sometimes it seems that this is more like how our teens see us! Photo by Clement Percheron

It’s such a challenging transition, both for the parent and the child. For them, they are in that difficult phase between child and adult where they are craving independence and feel like adults, but in reality are still reliant on their parents and still very much learning how to be adults. And for me as a parent, I am mourning the loss of affection that younger children naturally give and struggling with the balance of trying to provide a level of freedom and independence while still pulling them up on selfish or harmful behaviours and choices. Of trying to reason even when they are not being reasonable. Of finding suitable rewards for encouraging kind behaviours and appropriate consequences for unkind behaviours when sticker charts and time-outs are no longer viable tools.

Around me, I see new parents at the start of their journey. My neighbours on one side are just at the very beginning, with the gentle cries of a baby only a few weeks old heard from time to time (which are adorable to me, though possibly painful to them, coping with the sleeplessness that inevitably comes with a newborn in the house!). They have the superhero phase to look forward to.

And of course, others are at the end of that journey; their children all grown up, leaving home, getting out into full-time study or work, and maybe thinking about starting families of their own. Maybe not the end; but just the next phase of helping with adult-sized challenges, and gearing up for grandparenting duties. But hopefully beyond the super-villain phase by now.

Driving lessons are one of the next parenting roller coaster challenges on the list for me! Photo by Ron Lach

It’s hard going from hero to villain, to find the right balance of parenting teens. But the most worthwhile things usually are hard, so I’m not going to shy away from it. Kids need to be able to make mistakes; it’s a crucial part of the learning process. But if we don’t maintain some healthy boundaries with appropriate consequences, then the mistakes they make are likely to be larger, with longer lasting and more harmful impacts.

So the cape has been put away, but I’ll continue to support them as best I can, helping with school work questions, teaching them how to drive, kicking the footy, providing them good food to eat and occasionally pulling them up if they need some pulling up. It’s a bit of a roller-coaster, but I’m strapped in for the ride. Hopefully they’ll appreciate it all at some stage down the track.

Speaking of roller-coaster rides, driving lessons are imminent for my eldest and should prove interesting. Which superhero remains the most calm under pressure? Whoever it is, I might have to channel him or her for this particular phase!

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